When will I stop pretending?
I just got out of bed. It's very early in the morning, probably 3 or 4...I don't know. My bed is an air mattress in a studio apartment which I share with a girl named Blackie. There is nothing romantic between the two of us, we're only friends. We met in the last hostel I stayed at. She has been a truly good person to me. She used to work at Goldman Sachs.
I often have a hard time writing with speed, but now it is coming easily to me as I force myself to record every thought.
I just smoked some weed and now I'm sitting on the toilet, lid down. I'm writing in the bathroom because I don’t want to wake Blackie. I'm writing to tell you something, to tell myself something. I hope I have gained your attention.
Peril lies within human existence. But you already knew that. It's obvious.
Am I depressed? According to the popular way to determine such a thing, yes, of course I'm depressed. But I am not only depressed by problems, I am depressed by the lack of solutions. What is it about depression in our lives today? Why does everyone seem to have it? Well, of course not everyone has it, but you know what I mean. There is a great void in understanding when it comes to recognizing the truth behind things like depression. Depression can come from nowhere else but from inside oneself or outside oneself...
Last night I made a complete fool of myself in front of a girl. She's Venezuelan, her name is Ruby. I'm saying I made a complete fool of myself because I was drunk and I don't really remember what happened. I drink quite a lot, but decided to stop when I woke up to write what I'm writing now. Drinking is the way I've dealt with depression--that and weed, although the weed is not a problem aside from my tendency to eat massive amounts of pizza while I'm high. Honesty is what is coming out of me right now. I hope it doesn't come back to hurt me, but I can't stop it.
So depression comes from two places, from within oneself and from outside of oneself. It comes from these two places because there is nowhere else. The same applies to everything else which is in our human method of understanding. So, in other words, depression is the same as the wind in that the wind also exists in one of these two places. The wind blows, and so does depression. Depression can be seen in much a different light...hmmm...what I'm saying may be complete mumbo jumbo, my thoughts on the subject may coalesce later...
I just came to one of the most supreme realizations. I can stop pretending and be happy if only I dispense my thoughts. I can help other people. I care about people. I must stop fooling myself and start showing the care that I feel. It is in this way that I will recognize myself and become one with the world around me. It is very important for me to expel what is inside of me because it is hard for me to track my thoughts. My thoughts come brilliantly all at once--they are a brief vision, without words--and then they dissipate all at once; it often is impossible to relay them, although that is what I'm making an effort to do here.
I'm wondering now if Blackie will throw me out eventually. She genuinely cares about me I think.
(Did you know that there are definitely thoughts that are better kept to oneself? The thoughts which are best kept to oneself are those thoughts which might be hurtful to someone else who is undeserving of the hurt. That's why I'm pushing bad thoughts away right now.)
Boy do I have trouble maintaining a train of thought. I'm going to refocus myself now so I can talk about what is so important for me to relay to the world. My thoughts here which are coming forward now are my way of freeing myself from agony. I hope that what I have to say can help some people, although it will be met with disdain by some and with dismissal by most. For those who find disdain with, or no importance in, what I have to say, I would ask you to reconsider. I don't have anything to say but the certain truth. This is my confidence and I will stab my confidence now with my pen and make it bleed with the ink on this page. Well, it started as ink, now it's digital text, but you get the point.
Eloquence comes out through honesty and it can change the world. That's what I want to do, change the world. It is the only thing that will avail me to the promised land. When I say promised land I don’t mean anything related to to what is normally attributed to any popular god or religion. Religion is what we make it and what I want is a religion that will bring prosperity to people, one which will bring us out of pain and suffering and lead us all to the utopia of the promised land. The promised land is an ideal world; it is utopia. This is a bit of hyperbole, mind you.
Utopia begins with not aggressing, with the absence of aggression. If one does not place the human being above all other life forms, a necessity for the prosperity of human beings, then the words that I have to say here may be irrelevant. However, those who desire a righteous and peaceful world must recognize the benefit of placing our own life form above all others. I think we ought to work together to achieve what could be a truly splendid and blissful human condition.
Can we start with the most basic agreement? Human on human violence is bad. How 'bout we, then, end it. Now, keep in mind that, as long as violence is used, it cannot end. So, this is a plea to the individual, not a plea to incomprehensible bodies of people (bureaucracies, governments, the state, etc.) which have no clear identity. All that is formed of people is made up of individuals. For this reason I find myself uncomfortable saying that the "government" did this or that. No, although saying that the "government" did something may relate some sort of meaning, it is so unspecific that more harm is done by this inexactitude than can be imagined. Responsibility is transferred in such a cheap description as "government". Individuals act, not governments. Ludwig von Mises taught me this. When will we stop attributing such grand inhumanity to "government" and realize that what is bad can end if individuals cease their violent actions.
It seems ok to many that the "government acts in 'defense' of the country", that the "government" commits preemptive violence as they mangle what it actually means to be defensive, but, yet, when a classroom of children are killed by an identifiable individual, there is outrage. Don't you see the discrepancy? Where is the outrage for the dead children in the Middle East, those children who are murdered in far greater numbers, whose deaths are attributed to the monstrously unidentifiable, responsibility diluting "government"? Why don't you care, Obama, as you authorize the order? Why don't you care Mr. Drone Operator, as you pull the trigger? Why don't you care?
The scramble of my thoughts forces me into a regression, into a spillage of my transgressions. I made a great transgression last night. I mentioned it before. Although I had good intentions I drove drunk with a girl, Ruby, who I had offered to help find a place to live. She had to have a friend come pick her up because I was such a mess. These sorts of things cause me to ponder my life, namely, what I'm doing with it.
So I feel a great deal of guilt, shame, and sorrow. I've explored all of these feelings, these manufactures of conscience, in great depth. I understand that my feelings are my choice, yet still I can't help but wonder from where they come. These feelings are masterful, not in a good sense, but in one that is bad, in a sense that they control, they master, life. Feelings are an interpretation, a manifestation, by and of our conscious environment--both the environment within ourselves and the environment that is outside of ourselves. In other words, our sadness comes from the environment. We are sad because there are sad things; we are depressed because there are depressing things. There is no malfunction of the mind; the mind is, rather, making the appropriate determinations and interpretations.
The solution lies not in mind numbing pharmaceuticals which do nothing but fool the mind, but, rather, hope can be found in a change of environment, in either environment, the one inside or the one out. One's environment changes most effectively as a result of one's own actions. An improvement in the world, then, relies most heavily upon those individual actions, yours especially. Am I making sense? Your understanding of my words is a choice. These are not easy connections to make, but if the concept is grasped, the mind is transformed and understanding follows along with faith. I am trying not only to convince you, I am trying to convince myself.
My roommate is one of the kindest persons in the world. Blackie used to work for Goldman Sachs, like I said. She quit because she didn't like the environment there, one of many things which gives me so much respect for her. She doesn't tell me what to do. She is letting me stay for free until I have money, which may never come. But she is only a friend, let me be clear. I think a person like Blackie is who I needed. She's befriended me and I befriended her. This is a true friendship because I'm a royal fuck up yet she is still here for me. I try to be as good a friend as possible to her, but I don't think I've been completely successful. Come to think of it, I don't know if I've ever been that great a friend to anyone.
My life is approaching either its end or its beginning. If what I have to say is not well received, then this might be the end. If people care, then this is the beginning, not just for me, but for everyone else.
Life exceeds violent interaction. Violence is a tool of misery. It must be realized that violence can be attributed to the actions of individuals. Those individuals who act with force, those who are not doing so as an act of defense, should be personally condemned, regardless of whether or not that act of violence was the result of a "superior command", or not. One is one's own superior command. Individuals act and violence is an act of the individual. Defense is not violence; defense, rather, is a force which defeats violence. The means for defense should be achievable for all individuals equally so long as no one is permitted the use of violence. All individuals should be capable of the ability to exercise force with any means desired so long as the force is never used for any purpose other than that which is defensive. Unless force is used to discourage violence, to exercise defense, then that force is violent and morally reprehensible to utilize. To violently discriminate against any individual in a way which would inhibit his or her ability to acquire the means to exercise force, to give some individuals the right to certain methods of force while preventing others from the same right, gives rise to an environment with a discrepancy of force; offensive violence follows with misery not far behind.
One of the primary weapons of force used for violence today, and throughout the history of the world, is money, or, rather, the creation of it. Thankfully, due in large part to my primary influence, Ron Paul, the awareness of this problem has grown. Is it not without certitude that more dollars are being created? Those who have no sense of the effect of this have not really thought it over. The money, as it is created, becomes less valuable unit per unit. If one cannot grasp this clear relationship between the total quantity of a thing and the value of each part, then there is no hope for that person's involvement in the advancement of humankind. Massive amounts of new dollars, our fiat currency, whether they be paper or digital, are created all of the time. What is the point of this? You must ask yourself why it is necessary to create more and more money. Who benefits from this strange behavior? More money encourages more spending and spending is what allows for the acquisition of property--actual valuable goods. The dollars created enter the banks first. Banks, then, quite literally, sell the fiat money. They sell the money in exchange for physical goods or services.
While more and more money is fighting for a limited supply of goods, there will be losers. Those who have use of the money first, the banks, will profit most, as is clear. This is why so many businesses fail. Failure is built into the system. In a top down money system, like what we have, the banks win by "loaning" money. If the business is successful in gaining enough dollars from the marketplace (business must compete for dollars in the market, while the banks are given dollars for free) to pay his debt to the bank, then he will succeed; if not, he will fail. But the bank wins either way. If the business is successful, the bank gets more money than it gave out; if the business fails, the bank gets whatever property was purchased with the loan. Don't you see the problem with this arrangement? There is a monopoly over our money by the banks! And I haven't even finished touching the surface of this deeply complex problem which branches out into nearly every realm of our existence. This is one of the things that frustrates me so, that people can't grasp this very basic logic, and many of those who do grasp it don't seem to care.
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